Hard Time

I've been having a hard time lately. Mostly it's been invisible, but I've been spending a lot of my time thinking about things. My weight. My health in general. My current job. My career. And my inability to get those things worked out.

I've been dieting, but pretty unsuccessfully in the last year. And the past couple of weeks have really stood out. I eat what I'm supposed to, but I'm not sticking to things as closely as I should; substituting meals here and there as well as having snacks that aren't on the list. And I can't seem to stop it. I tell myself, "Don't do that." And the next thing I know I'm snacking. It sucks. I hate it. I don't think of myself as a stress eater, but maybe I am. I just don't know.

Work-wise, I'm stymied. I love the Green Ronin stuff, but my computer issues at home have really put a dent in getting my work done. (Thankfully I can use my laptop for some of that.) But my dayjob is so-so. I like the few people I talk to, but it's not like my previous workplaces. The work isn't really catering to my strengths and I find I'm filling more and more of my time with busywork from other people. It's fine and all, but I have a hard time keeping track of all the disparate requests so it's frustrating for me.

I'd like to find a full-time (not contract) job and I'm concerned that in the current market that it might take a long time. With my current contract ending in July, I have time to look, but they're saying finding something new will take about 8 months in this economy, so that makes me worry.

And it's not like I can just jump to any position, either. I have to make a certain amount of money in order to survive and it's not a small amount. So that concerns me too.

Anyway, that's all the crap that's been swirling around in my head lately and it's really depressing me. In a very real sense. I'm sad. I'm bummed. I'm sensitive about things that I shouldn't be. And it doesn't help when one person in a relationship is feeling that way.

I don't take the good things for granted, but all this other stuff is really affecting me negatively. I hate it. I want to feel better about my life, y'know?

Heh, I probably shouldn't write about this stuff here, but hey, it's my personal journal and it's important to me that my friends and family know where I'm at. Plus, it helps me to put this "on paper."

Gotta run.