Sunday, January 26, 2003

Saturday was a good day. I got up a little later than I'd planned so I didn't get in my full workout at the gym before I had to rush home and shower before the guys showed up for the Saturday afternoon game. Matt started a new Cthulhu game with a very pulpy feel -- um, not that it actually felt like pulp, but rather had the feel of the old pulp novels of Doc Savage and cheesy, old serials. We wrote up characters and played until about five o'clock.

After everyone left I took care of some laundry and called Kevin and Kim to see about dinner. We decided to go check out Kirkland because they'd never been there. Amazing but true. These people live not 10 miles from Kirkland and they'd never been there. They are very much the definition of homebodies. They like to go out for dinner, but other than that they're happy to stay home and do whatever it is that people do when they stay home. Probably watch t.v., I wouldn't know, I'm rarely home. Anyway, we walked around town a bit and finally settled on the Cactus restaurant. I'd been to the Cactus in Seattle and didn't even know there was one in Kirkland, but there it was, so there we ate. It was good. Afterwards we had ice cream at the Ben & Jerry's store. It was good, but I shouldn't have had any. Very bad of me.

Since I wasn't able to put in a full workout this morning, I decided to go back to the gym and work off some of the dinner. That was definitely a good thing. I put in about 45 minutes this evening, and at least that much this morning. I'm going to start lifting again this next week. I just haven't been able to get motivated and start again, but I have to do it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to get a couple sessions with a trainer at the gym. She'll be able to give me some good pointers again, set up a new workout, and give me some food advice again. I could use it. I'm very, VERY frustrated with the time I'm putting in and the lack of results I'm getting. I know I can do this. I just need to figure out how to go about it.

I picked up the DVD of the 3rd season of Buffy a couple of weeks ago. I don't remember if I'd mentioned that before. I'm having a good time going through and listening to the commentary tracks. I watched the 3rd season not long ago for work, so I'm not worried about watching all the episodes again. I'm a little bummed that there are so few commentary tracks, but I suppose those things take a lot of time to produce and set up, so I can understand it. Still, I want more.

I was just reviewing my archive of a year ago and I mentioned in my blog that I was watching all my DVDs and that I still had 20 that I hadn't seen and I'd be able to go a couple months without getting cable. Heh, I still don't have cable and I don't really have any desire to. Sure, there are some programs I'd like to see; Iron Chef, Buffy, um, maybe some others, but really, I know I'd just get sucked in and start watching things that I don't need (or really want) to sink my time into. Ah, I dunno, if/when I get my new computer I'll probably get cable at home just so I can have a high-speed cable for internet connection. I'll really have to control my t.v. time, though.

Oh, Friday night I was invited out with a group of people from work to go to an African restaurant in downtown Seattle. I think it's called Africando (in Belltown). It was excellent and everyone had a good time. It was a lot of the same group that had gone out on Wednesday plus a couple others. Afterwards we went to an atrocious karaoke bar a couple of blocks away. I can say for a fact that I now know that I don't like karaoke. Sure, before I knew I had no interest in it -- either doing or watching -- but now I know that I just don't like it. I don't have fun at it. I don't like the songs people choose to sing, etc, etc. It was really very painful. You wouldn't have liked it either. Believe me. My pain has saved you.

I'm very tired (maybe because it's 1:15), but I really feel like writing for a while and this is as good as anything else I can think of.

Had a couple of changes at work this week. Two people decided they'd quit for whatever reasons. One is going to be a stay-at-home dad, the other took a job with another company in the area. I think the first guy should have left (one way or another) a while ago. The other, I think, really made a mistake. A lot of people here liked him and probably would have worked with him to get him to stay. Oh, well. Good luck to the both of them. I hope they do well for themselves.

Apparently you all told your friends to come check out my site, because my numbers are on the rise again (look for yourself, just go to the bottom of the page and click on the number on the left-hand side). I'm almost as high as last month and I'm sure I'll be even higher by the end of the week.

I don't know if this is a good thing or a neutral thing or a bad thing, but I've been feeling kind of lonely lately. Not in a "poor, poor, pitiful me" kind of way, but in a "I miss being with someone" kind of way. I go through this a lot, and admittedly, I think that's fine and I think I...deserve it. There are very few people who are 33 and don't have a significant other. And not only don't have one, but never have for any length of time. Sure, I've had girlfriends -- few and far between -- but I've had them. Never a wife, or fiancee, or even anyone close to that stage and sometimes it gets me down. How can everyone I know say, "You're a great guy; funny, smart, etc." and yet no one is interested? I'm pleased with me. The areas I'm weak in are areas I'm working on. Is that a bad thing? To realize you have weaknesses? I don't think so.

I know I'm not the most physically appealing person in the world, but I know I'm attractive -- it's just that very few others seem to think so. Maybe I seem to fixate on that a bit, but all I have to do is harken back to the months after I returned from Cyprus. I was very active there and lost a lot of weight over the summer. When I returned to school all sorts of women were interested in me -- nothing had changed about me except the way I looked and yet everyone looked at me differently. So, now, years later when I've gained weight and can't attract a woman I know it has to do with looks. I don't know anyone here, so it's hard to meet someone and attract them with my charm and wit (okay, there's an edge of sarcasm there, but only an edge, I'm pretty charming and witty), I don't have the time to invest in that in a first-time meeting, instead I have to rely on that first moment of physical attraction -- and guess what? I can't rely on that, because it doesn't happen. It's frustrating. "You're a great guy, but not for me."

Blah, blah, blah. I've heard it all before, I've said it all before. I war with myself. Part of me says to just wait until I'm in shape to really give finding a girfriend serious time and effort, but I can't bet on that happening. I've been stuck for a while now. The other part of me says that I shouldn't have to wait. Someone out there has to have a brain. Has to be able to see how great I am. Right? Well, those are both of my working theories at the moment. It'd be nice if one of them would pay off sometime soon. It sucks to run around in circles like this.

And, hey, for all of you who are concerned about me. Don't be. I'm fine. I'm just getting out "on paper" things that run through my head every day. Every. Day. For years now. None of this is new. I'm just really getting tired of it. I think you can understand that. Right?

Now it's 1:42. I'm going to bed.


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